Carlos

IMGP7148 One thing I have learned since I started following my heart is to speak the truth, and that includes telling the beloved people in my life, how much they mean to me. It is as if I have been shaken awake, and I realise how little time there is, that I never know how long I have got, that I can never be sure that I will see a person I love again.

One of my most precious memories of my trip to England was sitting on the floor in my apartment, minutes before I said goodbye to my parents, holding my mum’s hands. We looked right into each other’s hearts and she said to me, ‘Sal, this is your chance for happiness. Don’t waste it. We love you.’ And for once, I didn’t look away. I stared right back. ‘I know. And I won’t. I love you too.’ My mum had met Carlos. She had seen the goodness of his soul, and his light illuminate my dark shadows. She could let me go back to Argentina, knowing that I was safe, and loved.

Almost exactly one year ago, I was busy making up my mind about whether I had room for a ‘boyfriend’ in my new state of  independence, whether a man would complicate my plans, cramp my style, trap me in a cage all over again. I had met Carlos in ‘La Glorieta’  by then, written about him on this blog: my friend, Carlos. Mmmmmm… friend, lover, boyfriend, then friend again… in some kind of crazy ‘can’t make up your mind Sal’ spiral. I told the man who loved me, in tough and terrible spanish, that I didn’t want a boyfriend. Carlos waited.

Then there was the damage from the past, a past churned up into the present by the shock of all the changes in my life. When we were together for nights in my rented flat, I needed to sleep alone, or at least not touching anyone. The only beings that I could cuddle in the dark were my big soft toy tiger Hubert and my little soft toy tiger Hubert. I had bad dreams. I wore layers of clothes in bed.  I pushed the man who loved me away. Carlos waited.

Then there was the tango story. I didn’t want a ‘one man tango experience’. It wasn’t why I’d come to Buenos Aires. I wanted to dance with many men. I panicked at the thought of losing that chance. I was so afraid of loss that I ignored what I actually had. I failed to notice the sheer joy of dancing with the man who loved me. I argued. I shouted. Carlos waited.

The last huge hurdle came after Christmas: my depression, my sudden fear that everything that I was doing was a huge mistake, including letting myself love again. In my blackest days in January, I had moments when I believed that I would be better off alone. But for the first time in my life, I found the courage to speak my deepest fears to the man I loved. I told him I wasn’t sure, that I was scared, that I might not be capable of love after all. Carlos listened, he tried to understand. He loved me unconditionally and he waited.

How can it be that a human being can love me so much, that he is prepared to wait through all these things? Never could I have imagined that a man would want to really know me, watch me learn, support my growth, help to heal my heart. Carlos does.

And so, I have relaxed. I have watched my fears melt away. I trust. And I believe that I can love. My ‘Huberts’ sleep together at night on a bean bag, and I lie curled around Carlos. I want to feel his heart beat and let his calm patience seep into my soul.

On Saturday Carlos and me will have made it though one year together… 365 days since the night I finally ‘decided’ in my stumbling spanish that I would have him as a ‘boyfriend’ after all, the night that we agreed to take it slowly and walk into the future ‘juntos’.  In our year together we have slept in tiny spaces, stayed in the lowest key places, lived on little, made it through a hell of a lot. On Saturday, ‘for one night only’, he will be treated to luxury. We will celebrate with a night in one of the most beautiful hotels in Buenos Aires and this will be my little surprise gift for him. He is my king, my angel, the one special soul who has been able to touch and to quiet the raging storms that existed in me for so many years. And because we just never know how much time we have, I write about him on this page, to tell him that I love him. In writing here, our moment is saved in time, for always.

I never thought that I would find what I have found, when I set out on my journey of the heart. I thought I could not love. Now I know I can. And in a way it hurts to know, because in time with love, comes pain. Which is why we will celebrate together on Saturday what we have today. And which is why I will write here in large letters and in two languages, for him to read and know:

Carlos, amor mio, te quiero. Carlos, my precious man, my Argentine, I love you.

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7 Responses

  1. Amor… so beautiful. Congratulations on your year together, Sally and Carlos!

  2. Wow, you made me cry. I’m so glad and happy for you that you’ve realized what you have in your hands. And the most important thing is, you deserve it, the way he deserves what you feel for you now 🙂

    Congratulations!!! 🙂

    Tanguera

  3. Carlos: ¡Largá el faso!

  4. Very happy for you both.

  5. Beautiful post ! Congrats on your year together !
    Xxx

  6. Sally, you made me cry too. I am SO happy for you! (And what a perfect way to celebrate your first year together!) Viva el amor!!

  7. Beautiful post Sally…you are both so very lucky to have found each other…

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