Waiting

DSCF2420 I feel like I’m floating right now. Waiting. I’m coming to the end of the first phase of my new life in South America. There is going to be a hiatus before the second phase begins: I am going to return to England. I have many things to do, but right now in this moment I am waiting on many other things before I will be able to do my part in my story. Some of the things I am waiting for are totally out of my control and I am just hoping that they will happen. If they don’t, then there will be more time in ‘limboland’.

I don’t like ‘limboland’ very much.

I’m one of those people who likes to feel they are walking forward. Sometimes I find it hard to remember that I am always walking forward, even when it feels like I am standing still.

So what am I waiting for? What are the things that start to be out of your control when you try to make a fresh start in a new country, in a new life? Maybe it will help me to get things in perspective if I write them down.

Maybe some of my ‘things’ will not seem very important. And maybe they aren’t. But I guess the point is that they seem important to me right now. One of the things that I always try to remember is that ‘important’ stuff probably will seem far less ‘important’ six months down the road. I will look back and smile to remember how I was feeling today. When I consider the last six months I recall the last ‘big thing’: the purchase of my apartment here in Buenos Aires. I remember all the waiting, all the uncertainty, all the fears. But it all came together in the end. Just like it will all come together this time, one way or the other. It’s just that some days I can feel more panicky than other days. And today is a ‘panicky’ day.

So what’s on my mind?

Carlos’ passport. That’s the ‘biggie’. Will he get it in time for his flight to England to join me on January 19th? On Friday we are going to go back to the passport office, this time with his flight ticket, to plead. I’ve been pondering whether to delay my trip and wait for him. But when we don’t actually know when we will have the passport it’s difficult to make a concrete change to our plans. And if I delay, then things in England that I need to do will get delayed, and I don’t know if I can afford that. Financially I need to make this trip to England. And maybe delaying will just prolong my ‘limboland’.

My application for a one year Argentine Visa. I can only apply for this when I am in England. The application has to be made at the Argentine Embassy in London, in person, with an appointment. I am collecting my paperwork together and I am waiting on a few things. Once I have the documents I need to get them translated into Spanish. I want to do that here before I leave, because I know a good translator and I know the process. When I get to England I have to get some documents legalised by a Public Notary, and then several documents authorised by the Foreign Office. All this means at least two trips to London to be squeezed in to my schedule. And then will I get the Visa? I think I qualify, but nothing is certain. More ‘limboland’.

My flat in England. Will it rent out? I have it on the market with a rental agency in Southampton, available from 7th February. If it rents out then I have an income, just enough to survive on here till I find other ‘avenues’ to bring in some money. The rental agency mainly deal with commercial clients and apparently they often only decide to take a flat the week before they need it. So I will perhaps be waiting to know if my income is secured for quite a while. Meanwhile I have to sort out all my personal stuff, sell some of it, find homes for the rest of it and of course I can’t start any of that until I actually arrive back in England. But it’s on my mind, floating around in my head somewhere.

My car. I am hopeless at knowing how best to go about selling it. It’s a nice tiny car. Very new. No miles on it. Quite trendy. Maybe when I get back to England I can find someone to help me. But I need the car while I’m in England, so I can’t do anything about that just yet.

Just being without Carlos for anytime at all. I just don’t want to be. I can’t believe I feel the way I do. I’m such an independent soul. I just can’t imagine not having his tranquil spirit around to calm me down… and yeah yeah I know it’s only for five weeks at the most, three weeks if the passport arrives… but still the thought of it is making me shiver. And I think the fact that I may not know when I leave him, how long I will actually be without him, is making it worse. Ah the unknown, yet again.

My laptop. It is broken with no sound, no USB ports of its own, and it is full to bursting with my photos of my new life. I need to replace it but computers are expensive here. I need to wait till I get back to England. Then I need to transfer everything, re-organise everything… and all I can do now is start backing up all the photographs onto CDs. And that’s boring…

The ‘escritura’ for my apartment here. I am still waiting for the original, and I bought the flat on 16th August! Actually I phoned up about it today (for about the 20th time), and tomorrow I am going to travel by train to San Fernando to pick it up. That will be a great feeling, to hold the deed to this place in my hand at last. So not much longer ‘in limbo’ on that one. Tomorrow I’ll be able to strike one thing off my list!

UPDATE: 13/12/2007. Got the ‘escritura’ this morning as planned. So progress made. I walked forward today. It feels good!

Aaarrrrrrrrgh… enough!

Time is a strange beast. And I know that it will come and go, and leave all of these matters resolved. As the days pass, I will leave here, I will arrive in England alone, and I will complete everything that needs to be done. I will survive without Carlos if I have to, and I will enjoy all the friends and family that I have not seen for so long. Life will work itself out all on its own, if I just do the bits I have to do, when the time is right to do them. Wasting time thinking about them now, sure as hell ain’t going to help. And I know all this good stuff. I know it. I have been there before, in the depths of uncertainty. And I survived. Just like I’ll survive this time.

But meanwhile maybe there’s no harm throwing my thoughts out into the universe on this web blog. If the universe knows about what I am trying to achieve, then maybe it can gather some positive energy and direct it to help make these things happen. After all I have watched the film, The Secret.  And I believed it.

I am reminded that before I came to Buenos Aires I had some ‘business cards’ made. On them I wrote:

tangosallycat: tango dancer, writer, adventurer.

I used to hand them out and laugh, make a joke, ‘Oh I know I’m not really any of those things yet…’

Now I hand them out and it is not a joke. I am those things, every one of them. In a way just by ‘acting as if’ I helped to make them my reality. So now perhaps I’ll try it here. It’s only positive thinking after all…

It is 7th February 2008. I have just arrived back in Buenos Aires, on my new one year Argentine Visa, after five fantastic weeks in England. Carlos loved England, and everyone he met loved him. I’ve got great tenants in my flat. I’ve sold my car. And I’m writing this on my new and fully working laptop. Bloody hell! Whatever was I worried about back in December. Everything turned out perfectly.

Ok, that’s it. Time to get on with what I can do to alter my head space today. Go off to my tango class. Laugh with Ariel. Enjoy the feel of his embrace. Soak up the gorgeous music. Then walk home in the Buenos Aires sun.

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3 Responses

  1. Hi,

    just popped in to say I love your blogs. On the latest entry: I am exactly like that! I worry while waiting. But no matter what, emotions lose their grip over us. I am sure you already feel different right now.

    Thanks for inspiring me

    habanera

  2. Hey habanera,

    I am so happy that you popped in and commented on this entry. It sure is a strange time for me at the moment, but yes I do feel better today. I got one thing sorted: the title deed to my apartment is in my hands, so that closes one chapter. Maybe even just that makes me feel a little less out of control… also that I walked in a beautiful park yesterday, went somewhere on the train this morning, and maybe will dance later… just getting on with life helps, just putting one foot infront of the other moves me on.

    You are right that emotions lose their grip in time, and thank you for reminding me of that.

    SC

  3. Sending you tons and tons of {{{{{ positive }}}} energy. 🙂

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