And I congratulate you for being so open and honest about it.
I’ve had all of the same issues in my relationship with Ruben, although many of the circumstances were different:

I’m older than you;
I’ve been dancing tango in Buenos Aires since 1997;
I lived here for a whole year (since 2003) before meeting Ruben;
I was happy to only dance with him.

At first I continued to go to “my” milongas (Canning on Wednesday, Gricel on Friday) to maintain my “freedom”, but I began to go later and leave earlier, all the while wishing Ruben would walk in.

For the first year or more, Ruben and I would sit separately in Club Espanol, but he was always helping the organizer, Julio. We would sit together on special occasions and we knew which tandas we would dance together (milonga, Calo, D’Arienzo, etc.)

Pretty soon, bit by bit, we began to sit together. He, the Argentine man, can always dance with whomever he wants, but I can’t “get arrested.” Maybe I could if I looked at men with the cabeceo in mind, but the truth is, I really don’t want to, unless it’s a student or a friend. We know everyone, everyone knows us; it’s all ok.

But it’s taken us THREE years to work it all out!

The problem in tango–it’s the embrace; the problem and the joy.

How great that you wrote this comment. I have found it a huge relief to express some of my discomfort around this topic in the past days: both with my Argentine, and on this blog. And I have loved hearing back the experiences of others around the world. It’s like, just talking about it and getting it out in the open helps… (as with everything I guess).

How do you two work things out back in England? If you dance with others there, then there is no reason why you can’t do that here. It just means deciding how you will handle things at the milongas. It is true that even if you sit together, you can actively practice the ‘cabaceo’, and you may get some dances once people realise that you are both ‘available dance partners’, especially if he gets up and leaves you at the table. How many dances, will vary place to place according to the style and formality of the milonga, the mix of Argentines and tourists there, and of course on how strongly you work the ‘cabaceo’.
If you decide that you want to sit separately then this too is a workable option and you will probably get more dances. In this case you will find yourself sitting on a table with other women, or in the rows of women at the more traditional milongas.
With either option it can be good, as Elizabeth suggested above, to dance with your partner early on. Then people will see you dance, will know that you can dance, how tall you are, etc. etc. and will therefore be more likely to ‘cabaceo’ you.
Of course if men know that you are with someone, even if you dance with others, there will be some who won’t be interested in dancing with you… but the upside is you avoid guys who maybe want a lot more than tango, useful perhaps if you are in a couple. And to be honest it isn’t always easy easy to get dances even for a single, new girl in town at some milongas. It’s all a bit of a game, and at times hard work whether single or couple.
So much depends on you and your partner making an agreement about how you want to handle things, but if you are both amenable and open… no problems.

Of course, if you mean that your partner is not too keen on the idea of sharing you, then yeah… it’s a different problem, and I know how tough that can feel. But why not come and meet me and maybe other girls I know at La Ideal one Thursday afternoon and go it ’sola’. It’s not busy, it’s relaxed, a nice social chat time too and you should get some dances then for sure… I’m here until 22nd February.

My email address is on the ‘Who?’ page of this blog, so if you want to email me and tell me a bit more, please do. Maybe I can offer you a few more tips.
It is always great to meet up with someone visiting from England for tango…
And gosh, those classes with Flavio seem a very long time ago now! Say hi to him for me…

SC

It’s really late and I need to get some sleep after a bit of a hectic day so I am going to write one reply to all…

I guess in writing this post I specifically wanted to highlight some of the challenges that may arise in Buenos Aires for a couple when one is Argentino and one is Inglesa, or at least from totally different tango culture. It’s a subject that I haven’t heard people talk about that much, but it has been a very hot topic for me over time, and I dare say there will be more to come…

I’ve got to say that I agree with all of you about the fact that the etiquettes here are clear, easy to follow once understood, and I personally think the ‘cabaceo’ is fantastic, for both men and women alike. Maybe soon I will write a bit more on the etiquettes or ‘codigos’ and how I have experienced them. I went to a milonga last night that I hadn’t been to before. It was VERY traditional, totally packed and I was fascinated just observing the scene. It gave me much food for thought.

As for my own challenges, it is definitely a work in progress! I am really grateful for those of you who have written about your experiences and for your encouraging words. I know for sure that tango love probably ain’t too simple in any corner of the world. Maybe in time I could become an ‘agony aunt’ for tango couples…
Dear Sallycat… type of thing!
(That’s me trying to relax and keep smiling through it all… you guys help me more than you know.)

Want to say welcome to the blog, Eva-Stina from Estonia.

Captain-Jep, yep met up with Eduardo and Caroline a few times, and bumped into Ricardo and Jenny in Canning one night. Enjoy your last week here! Oh and as for my dream dancer… well if you read the blog back I think the clues are pretty much all there… Otherwise my lips are sealed!

And TP… Bloody Hell! Tagging??? What a thing to come home to!
I HATE chain letters with a passion. BUT, I’ve read what others wrote and yes this is a bit different, and sooooo maaaaaaaaybeeee…

SC

I always learn so much from you and your posts. Even though it sounds like the rules may be more convoluted where you are, at least you both are talking about it and the lines of conversation are open. I’m sure you’ll both find your way in this matter.

I still think it sounds a little easier where you are than elsewhere where the rules, if they exist at all, are rarely followed. Or maybe it’s just that I miss the cabaceo in regular use here.

Mucha suerte en todo!

Eva-Stina from Estonia

Yes one more week to go. I should have read your bio more carefully! Have been to maybe 11 tangks so far and Im pretty sure I went to Ricardo and Jennys – but I dont think we have danced before.

By the way Ricardo and Jenny are in BsAs until I think the 25th. Ive also seen Eduardo and Caroline here!

Who was your dream dancer in Hampshire? Feel free to mail me privately ‘ just interested. Anyway I wish you again all the best